Lately I feel pretty fragmented. A lot has gone on. My Saturn returns this year. And over the summer, directly after my Birthday, I felt this in full force. I went to Costa Rica, to this raw foodist farm and did an internship. Kinda a rollercoaster for me. I was wanting to improve my work ethic and ended up getting pushed to work harder than I should have, loved that at first but really I needed to take care of my needs and my body more. First night I sprained my ankle. The jefe was pretty eccentric to say the least. I liked the structure, I loved his rancho and the farm.. and I loved his way of life, the simplicity, the discipline, all of it. The land was so beautiful with waterfalls all over, lots of privacy for me to just walk around naked in the warm afternoon rain and sunshine (when he drove to town and I was alone) and scream "No One" by Alicia Keys. Pam and Johan were there initially and seemed worn out on the scene and I thought maybe they were rude or lazy (I later figured out that the guy is actually really hard to be around sometimes, and very pushy). He pushed me to stay present, I liked that because I wanted it, too, even though the way he spoke to me by most would be considered pretty chrotchety. He told me that I should quit taking my medication, which I was already considering, so I felt glad that I had his support as my host and went for it. It did, as he predicted, get the tremor in my hands to calm down a bit.
Then another intern came to work and it was great to have someone to hang with that wasn't this guy because he was driving me nuts with talk about aliens as if everyone knows about how aliens are real.. just living in a new age reality.. anyway, once she was there I worked on my boundaries a little more and she was helpful, but at the same time it was as if there was something else there to reflect the bogus situation I was in and I grew increasingly unable to listen to this guy talk. And Ch and I were getting real food issues because he would always make sure he got the most food on his plate out of anyone. Drove me nuts. Otherwise, I was still pretty happy. I would sit around and giggle with how happy I was eating all this raw food and being in such a beautiful place, just farming.
I decided to cut my internship short and Ch and I moved to a different farm so that we would not be so annoyed. I met some really cool smart people that ran this other place but it was a little bit of a stressful environment for me, maybe I was getting kinda grouchy after being off my meds without realizing it. There was a lot of weirdness surrounding food issues there and I was grumpy with Ch for not helping me make food more like we had planned. But it was kinda a pain, because the farm was very steep and we'd have to run up and down the hill and she was less into that than I was at the time and I would go into caretaker mode but really need more participation. Survival, caretaker, food issues mode. Unclear boundaries in a few areas. And we had gone there to do some earthen building and I wanted to take it easy on my ankle but the other volunteers were not into the earthen building so much or volunteering much around the farm outside, were more into helping the family take care of their very cute kids. And I wanted to learn a lot about permaculture. So I did that but felt jealous of people doing more social activities that were easier on bodies. Noticed a theme with myself--I WANT IT ALL. I want to learn everything, do everything, and I want love and fun. But there is only so much time. I can't get out of this theme.
I am now back in Oly feeling not quite as passionate about the grind of premed studies (yes, that is what I am doing with my life now because I guess when you want it all you start trying to become a Dr. so that you know a lot of things..) as I did with permaculture. I feel like my brain wants to design. City planning sounds fun. Planning, problem solving, urban permaculture, villages.
Honestly, coming back from CR, to Olympia in the fall getting so gray with chilly winds and dark wet branches strewn across the sky, I felt like I was in hell. And I started grieving Geoff's death really hard. I moved into this community center where I was going to start a community garden and maybe start up a new club of sorts, healing w permaculture somehow. Urban permaculture club is what I ended up settling on. But I couldn't be the caretaker at that house. My energy became completely depleted, I did not feel strong. People were stealing things from me and there was a rat, those were the last straws. Although there were things I loved about being there. Just couldn't do it. I found this really super nice house closer to my school to make my life easy breezy.
I feel really lonely out here though; it is kind of isolating. Working on getting back into a flow that feels right. School is really hard so that puts the breaks on to some degree. Like I just have to chug so slow because all this physics and calculus homework eats my time, clogs the drains. I move forward with this whole Dr. idea though because I am maybe afraid that it's the biggest slice of pie and that is what I will want when I see what I end up with on some other path. I don't want to regret not doing it and I don't want to postpone anymore. Postponing and changing plans seem to be the themes of my young adult life. I don't mind the past but I don't want to be a broken record. Speaking of those, it also knaws on me a lot that I haven't ever tried that hard with music. Afraid before that it wouldn't be fulfilling and I am not so afraid now but I have all this other stuff in motion.
The Occupy movement was really strong here and I was in retreat mode instead of digging in to that. You do what you can.
OK well that is a lot for now. I hope no one finds out about my diary except my old diaryland buds and maybe some anon ones. I need to feel a sense of privacy here, but also be able to share what is on my mind where I know at least a few people I care about might read it.